The children of October 7, 2023

Published in Israel National News (Original article)

A psychotherapist writes about the traumas of Israeli children after the Nukhba massacre. Op-ed.

Home on kibbutz Be’eri after massacre

A. and her husband and their two young children lived on a small, peaceful Kibbutz near the Gaza border. When on October 7th, she began to hear sounds of shooting and people yelling in Arabic outside, A. realized that terrorists had invaded the kibbutz. Calmly, she called her husband, who was away, to ask where their gun was and had him explain how to use it. Shielding her children with her body, she shot dead one of the terrorists who burst into their home. The others then killed her in front of her children. They took the screaming children and a neighbor hostage, but inexplicably let them go as they neared the Gaza border, and the three made their way back to safety. But the two young children had witnessed the barbaric murder of their mother.

On the morning of October 7, terrorists burst into Y.’s home and murdered her parents in front of the terrified child’s eyes. “Don’t kill me,” she begged the terrorists, and then somehow managed to say to them, “come with me and I will give you lots of money…” The two were surprised enough to follow her into the kitchen, where upon seeing the refrigerator, they opened it and began thirstily drinking the beer inside, completely forgetting the 10-year-old child. She quietly tiptoed away, went into a closet, and closed the door. The terrorists, distracted, left the house without searching for her and the child spent hours alone in that closet until she felt it was safe to come out. She then called her grandmother, the bodies of her parents only a few feet away from her, while her shaking fingers pressed the numbers on one of their phones. The grandmother alerted the IDF which came and carried the sobbing child away from the house in which she had been raised by loving, devoted parents, now a house of death. She was adopted by her mother’s sister, who has children close to her age. But this child had witnessed the cold-blooded murder of both her parents.

N. was wounded critically fighting in Gaza, and despite the medical staff’s efforts to save him, succumbed to his injuries two weeks after being airlifted to the hospital. Only 37 at his death, he was married and the father of three young children, a 7-year-old daughter and two sons, aged 1 and 2.5. The seven-year-old was brought to the hospital to say goodbye to her father before his death. And three children are bereft of their loving father.

Just three stories about the children of October 7, Simchat Torah, 2023.

There are lists and photos of Israelis murdered on October 7th on the web, a moving memorial to the victims at the site of the Nova dance festival, photos of the hostages and fallen soldiers on every street and bus stop in Israel. And rightly so.

But what about the children they left behind? What about all the orphaned and bereaved children?

As someone who works with bereaved youngsters, I have been asked how I see the psychological state of children who witnessed their parents’ deaths in the October 7th massacre – at their homes – and the psychological condition of children who lost fathers (and older siblings) fighting in the war.

There is no simple answer.

A child who loses his parents is given a horrific blow and goes through a terrible crisis. Although that may seem like stating the obvious, in my many years of experience working with bereaved children, I have found that it must be said. It is not easier for children than for adults. If his parents are murdered in front of his eyes, if it happens at home, and is caused by terrifying strangers who invaded that home, those factors exacerbate that crisis and the ensuing trauma and post trauma.

A child’s home is his safe space, his fortress, as is his neighborhood and as are his neighbors, they are part of the connective tissue of his life. Once that fortress is breached, both home and neighborhood, his self-confidence is shattered, shaken to the core. He needs therapeutic rehabilitation in those spheres, and that is in addition to the aching, deep mourning and longing for one killed parent, both parents and/or a sibling.

Rebuilding a child’s faith in life and in the world is the first challenge for those who want to facilitate that child’s ability to cope. It is in many ways actually much harder for a child than for an adult. The whole expanse of his life has been destroyed. He has seen unspeakable things. We cannot dare provide a general prediction as each child is different, but we can expect a long, difficult period of rehabilitation.

Each person, even a child, has their own way of coping. These are early times yet, we still have not processed everything and there is much we do not understand.

Children go through the same stages adults do when they undergo the loss of loved ones: At first there is shock, then anger, followed by depression, and then acceptance. Acceptance does not mean forgetting, it means succeeding in finding a place for the trauma within the perimeter of one’s life, so that it doesn’t take up one’s entire life. This process takes a very long time and the stages are repeated again and again.

During the years I spent working with bereaved families and victims of terror, they told me what helps. Now that I work mainly with children bereaved by war and terror, I hear what helps – from them.

An 8-year-old told me that she is filled with grief about losing her father, that it is terribly sad, but that she gained a lot of friends instead in the OneFamily Together organization peer group for her age in which she takes part. This sentence tells us something, although it sounds somewhat childish and is hard to hear. It is not, however, unfeeling, because it is true that it helps to have someone with you who is going through the same thing. That is why a bereaved peer group is so important for those suffering from loss – bereaved parents, grandparents, widows, siblings, children.

Activity for bereaved children – Meir Povlovsky, OneFamily

Over the years I have seen how vital that is for a child’s wellbeing as well. When we create peer groups, the most important thing is the feeling of togetherness, being with others who have had similar experiences, to whom the youngster doesn’t have to explain anything, who understand him, a place where the heavy burden is shared, is in the air, where there are participants totally in tune with him.

Peers do not help cope with his specific experience, they shoulder the experience with him. This is one of the most successful and strengthening elements in therapy.

Yes, therapy helps, retuning to routine also helps, but it seems that most helpful in the long and short term, is spending “together” time with a peer group in which others have experienced similar traumas and the bereaved children don’t feel different. An example of the efficacy of that approach is the OneFamily Together organization, with over twenty years standing at the side of terror victims. OneFamily knows that well and has formed peer groups in every category of bereavement, along with therapeutic workshops and activities all over the country for each group.

Having fun together – Meir Pavlovsky, OneFamily

Putting concentrated efforts into helping children and youngsters cope with tragedy, OneFamily embraces them in therapeutic summer camps, trips to places far from home, weekend retreats, long hikes, clubs, all for bereaved youngsters peer groups. These are efforts that show tangible results and where real, supportive friendships on that shared basis are formed. OneFamily held a three-day summer camp for 350 orphaned children two weeks ago, took October 7th orphans who lost both parents along with their adoptive parents on a two-week trip to Mexico in partnership with the Jewish community there to help them bond, took newly bereaved young adult siblings on a trek in Slovakia, orphaned teens on a three-day forest hike, youngsters who lost twin siblings to a weekend retreat in Cyprus, threw a wonderful bat mitzva party for 22 bereaved 12 year olds and more.

Summer camp for bereaved youngsters – Meir Pavlovsky, OneFamily

The children will learn to cope. I am optimistic. In my experience, after a time, a long one for some, longer for others, we see life coming back to these children. It is not a linear progression and there are setbacks, but we see the process begin. A tree that has been cut down cannot grow again, but around the cut-off tree trunk there is growth. We want to make room for these youngsters to continue to grow without denying their loss. Life pushes up blossoms through the hard earth, they grow and sprout. Sometimes difficulty makes life more significant, sometimes there is even growth from crisis, and most importantly, they know that an organization like OneFamily is always there for them, for as long as they need it.

Counselors and campers – Meir Pavlovsky, OneFamily

‘Big brothers’ and orphans – Meir Pavlovsky

But there are no pat answers.

May all our children have the strength to grow and flourish. Pray for them all.

PostScript:

What can we expect from Israeli children whose homes remained intact but are living through a frightening war, who have just heard about the missile that killed twelve children in Majdal Shams? The truth is, I don’t have a good answer. I can say that I and other parents see that the war has had a significant effect on Israeli children old enough to be aware that there is an ongoing conflict. Some want to be lulled to sleep again, some wish to sleep with their parents, there are regressions in various forms of behavior. There are temper tantrums, bedwetting, anxiety. I see it at my home. Children of reservists live in fear of their father not being home, perhaps of his never coming home. Now that I am back from reserve duty, my daughter asks when I am coming home from work every day. My advice to parents is: be sure to listen, pay close attention, watch for signs that are more severe than the norm.